I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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