Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
