u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
