she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
