I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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