I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
