Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
