I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
