maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
