Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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