she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
