The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
