guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
