Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
