Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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