apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
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Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
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The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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