Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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