mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
