my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
