girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
