hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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