i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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