I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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