Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
