matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize