Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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