please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
