I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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