we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
