your parents love me but you hate me
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
