I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
