I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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