Sry I called you an 8
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
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I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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