Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
