At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
