Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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