Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
