make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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