if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
