My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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