I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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