Don't you send me to vm
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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