i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
