How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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