is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
