tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
4 words: hood of his car
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
