She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
