I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
