I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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