Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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