dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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