I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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