I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
