I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
