On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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