Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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