There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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