Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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