my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
